All good, right? Sadly not. As some of these festival punters immerse themselves too much into these hedonistic ways that they destroy the good times of those around them by exploding cans of deodorant and chucking pints of bodily fluids into crowds. DON’T BE THAT PERSON GUYS.
Here’s who you should be avoiding this festival season. If you don’t recognise these people, you are these people. Dark times, mate.
The Fire Starter
He is a caveman who has just discovered the power of the orange blaze, but instead of using its glow to warm up his tinned beans he uses it to destroy everything in his path: tents, backpacks, food stalls, you, your family. To paraphrase Michael Caine in The Dark Knight: “Some lads from Leeds just want to watch the world burn”.
The Mud Slider
They have festival bands on from a decade ago and there’s an 82% chance that they have dreadlocks and are into steam punk. They won’t shower afterwards, they’ll just wait for the rain to wash away their shame while they try to hug random passers by. This is not to anger you, this is just a craving for the warm touch of another living being.
The Can Thief
While you’re enjoying yourself watching The Vaccines in the mid-afternoon sun, this reprobate will be snooping through your tent looking for the most valuable of festival currencies: cans. He thinks this is fair game because you’re not there to protect them like a mother bird shielding her young…and he is the fox. Never seen when it’s his round at the pub.
The Cultural Appropriator
Haram pants, Native American headdresses, bindis, festivals are ripe for people stealing important parts of others cultures to do awful, unforgivable, drunken and most likely sticky things in them, which they think is ok because they travelled* to the location during their gap year.
*Had a 4 hour layover
Are they having a good time? The 76 hashtags suggests they are to the outside world, but the fact that they’re looking at dog memes and shopping for leggings during the secret Foo Fighters set suggests otherwise. Even if there’s an apocalyptic flood they’ll filter the hell out of it to make you think they’re having more fun than you, because making people jealous and feel like they’re missing out is their #aphrodisiac.
The King Of The Camp
This guy will never leave the comfort of his foldaway garden chair (which he pinched from his camping neighbours). He’s forked out £200+ quid on a weekend ticket to basically shout abuse at passers by while he sinks tepid beer after tepid beer, with the only music heard being the tinny sounds of Diplo blaring from his cracked iPhone. He won’t even get up to go to the toilet, he’s crafted himself a makeshift hole in his chair transforming it into a DIY potty. His favourite meal is a 20 box of nuggets.