Culture, Lifestyle

Topman’s Alternative New Year’s Honours List: Meet Our Men Of The Year

Sure the Queen recognises contributions to education and charities, but where are the honourable mentions for mullets, easy-to-order pints and going number 2 in front of thousands of people at a Sunderland match? HMMMMM? Elizabeth? Answer us!!!

Here we raise a glass to those that have made a difference in 2017 in the unconventional sense, from JD Wetherspoon to…erm…David Davis.

P.S we do honour services to mental health and charitable donations, we’re not complete narcissistic monsters…just partially.

Services To Getting Turnt: JD Wetherspoon App

Sure 2017 has brought us many technological innovations such as self-driving cars and advanced facial recognition software, but what has really floated our boats is the Wetherspoon’s App.

Picture this: you’re sat cosily at your favourite Spoons table with your best mate, but there’s a massive line at the bar. You can’t go to the bar together because you’ll lose your table, you can’t go separately because your food will come at different times, and you’re never for paying for your mate’s because he’s so stingy he’ll never repay you. The answer: pull out the Wetherspoon’s App, enter your table number, order your food and drinks, then pay from your phone. The best bit? You’ll skip the line. We’ve never waited more than 3 minutes for drinks to be delivered to our table when ordering via app. Absolute Northern magic.

Services To Decency: Juan Mata

Manchester United’s diminutive Spanish midfielder, we can confirm, is a nice guy. We’ve long suspected it – he engages with politics, writes his own blog and has never been implicated in any kind of Travelodge-based scandal involving underage girls, cheap champagne and an expensive high court injunction. This season he’s launched the Common Goal initiative, in which he pledges to give 1% of his salary to charity and is encouraging his fellow professional footballers to sign-up and do likewise.

Services To Hair: Dacre Montgomery (Billy The Mullet Guy From Stranger Things)

Steve’s hair is OK. Sure it’s got volume and the ability to grant wishes if you whisper them into it, but it doesn’t really have that WOW factor. But when Billy walked on screen in his unnaturally tight double denim and stubble moustache, he did the absolute impossible – he made the mullet cool.

After ‘80s Billy Ray Cyrus (and it being the official haircut of Confederacy supporters), we thought the mullet was dead and buried like the roadkill it looked like. But Stranger Billy’s hair is dangerous, it looks like if you touched it you’d burn your finger like it was a roaring fire. I mean, it does help that he’s absolutely shredded and has a sick car, but we believe that he’s paved the way for a brand new hair trend that borders on the shock value that came with the introduction of the punk inspired spiked Mohawk in the ‘70s.

Hairspray at the ready lads. It’s mullet time.

Services To Menswear: Justin O’Shea

When people get sacked from a high profile job after only a couple of months, many would retreat to the comfortable solitude of their sofa, indulging in sharing packs of Kettle Chips and binging daytime TV like Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women. But when creative director Justin O’Shea was let go from his position late last year at Brioni, he had another path in mind – starting his own menswear brand,    SSS World Corp.

Unveiling his first collection in Paris, O’Shea’s first line of garms were heavily influenced by his own style, with slim fitting tailoring paired with tropical shirts and chunky ties being key.

So if you find yourself staring down the barrel of redundancy, just get yourself a sewing kit and a few thousand Instagram followers. Problem solved.


Services To Tears: Chris Hughes

This summer the breakout star of ITV’s Love Island taught the nation’s men that it was alright to cry. He followed that up in October in Topman and CALM’s #DontBottleItUp campaign – encouraging men to open up and highlighting the shocking statistic that suicide is the biggest killer of men aged between 18 and 45 in the UK.

Services To Procrastination: David Davis

It’s taken him months, but Britain’s Brexit Secretary has finally just about given in to all of the EU’s demands. Despite the fact that this could have been achieved on day 1 of negotiations, Davis has managed to string out his inevitable humiliating climbdown for 172 days and counting. That’s world class procrastinating.

Services To When You Gotta Go: Callum Mawson

We’ve all been there. Desperate for the toilet but resentful of the fact that going would necessitate getting up, walking to bathroom and an unnecessary expenditure of energy. Step up Sunderland season ticker holder Callum Mawson, a man not bound by society’s conventions, a man who doesn’t play by the rules, a man who sh*ts wherever he wants to.

Services To Balling Out Of Control: Gucci Mane

I don’t care what you did this year, nothing you did was better than Gucci Mane cutting his $75k wedding cake with a cutlass.

Services To Public Transport: Darius McCollum

Darius McCollum hijacked his first New York City subway train at the age of 15. An autism sufferer, he memorised the city’s subway system at age 8 and is known for not only hijacking the trains but for making them actually run on time. Having been arrested 26 times for hijacking New York’s trains, he has found himself, perhaps unsurprisingly, in court for the umpteenth time. However this year he chose to reject an insanity plea deal that would have allowed him to avoid prison in order to raise awareness about Asbergers and allow him to tell his own story on the witness stand. I’m not exactly what you would call a ‘lawyer’ and I don’t know much about how ‘prison’ actually ‘works’ but if we could perhaps extradite (?) him and get him to work on the Central Line I for one would welcome him with open arms.

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