Why You Should Wear Socks – Jamie Carson, Editor
You wouldn’t leave the house without brushing your teeth. You wouldn’t go to work without putting on deodorant. You wouldn’t go to a restaurant without wearing underwear (fetishists exempt). So why, in the interest of personal hygiene and all that is holy in the world of menswear, would you not put socks on with your shoes when the sun comes out?
I know that Google usually tells you you’re dying 99% of the time when you search if something is wrong with you, but this time they have evidence to back it up. A simple search of ‘why you should always wear socks’ brings up an article by NetDoctor. And from what I understand, doctors know things – virtual or not.
“Depending on the level of sweatiness of the foot, there may be issues with too much moisture in the feet, which can leave you vulnerable to fungal infections such as athlete’s foot. On average your feet will sweat half a pint a day; that’s a lot to be pouring out straight into your shoe without it being absorbed by a sock.”
Do you want mushrooms growing from your toes for the sake of making your loafers look that little bit slicker? Because that’s what will happen. And everyone will call you Toad like that little creep from Mario with the big fungi head. “Hey mushroom boy,” they’ll shout while simultaneously throwing kilos of shiitakes at you. “Get back to the forest mushroom boy!” Don’t believe me? Then just look at my junior editor, Jacob Corner, who wore Reeboks without socks one time. Still think not wearing protection is cool???
Tube socks, regular socks, trainer socks, invisible socks, I wouldn’t even mind you wearing knee high socks like an over-sexualised anime character. But please, just wear socks this summer. And if the health hazard aspect doesn’t win you over, just remember no one wants to hear the squelch of your feet or smell the cheddar of your toes as they’re trying to enjoy the tranquillity of a beer garden.
Why You Shouldn’t Wear Socks – Jacob Corner, Junior Editor
I’ve seen Jamie wearing socks with his loafers and honestly it looks rubbish. That should be that, article over, point made.
But I’ve got to hit a word count. So:
We recently had a heatwave in London and these are a few of the things that I saw. I saw a very fat, very pale man with his shirt off get arrested on the tube, I saw a middle aged man stack it off a skateboard he was trying to do an ollie on, and I saw a woman holding her naked toddler over the edge of a river so he could pee in it. The point of this isn’t to shame anyone, far from it. The point is that when it gets hot in England we devolve into a strange, survival of the fittest, quasi feudal state. The weather man says ’29’ and suddenly it’s Mad Max out there.
It gets hot and being wildly, incoherently, dangerously drunk by 2:30pm is totally normal. The major food groups become: salted nut, can, cornetto, and BBQ sausages. Society verges towards total collapse.
In the face of this disintegration of societal norms, wearing socks is the kind of overly fastidious, rule-following fashion nonsense that will make you look like a total square. It’s like being one of those guys who lectures you on what colour belt you have to wear with what kind of shoes when he’s wearing boot-cut jeans with wingtips. Yeah what you’re doing is technically right but you’re missing the bigger picture.
Just enjoy the heat, forget the rules, throw out the socks. Your feet might end up smelling a bit but what’s the harm? It’s hot, you’ll be having too much fun to really notice anyway.