Grooming

These Are The Extreme Lengths Modern Men Are Going To In The Name Of Grooming

It’s no secret that male grooming is booming. The gentleman of 2017 is so concerned with his outward appearance, in fact, that over the past few years he has turned this former cottage industry into a heaving multi-billion pound beast, with a buzzing global marketplace. 2013 marked the first year in recorded history during which men spent more money on male-specific toiletries than on shaving gear and things are continuing to snowball. According to statistics, UK men have now overtaken women in sunbed use and it’s extremely rare to go into a salon without seeing a range of promiscuous looking men’s treatments (99.9% of which manage to squeeze a pun into the name) ¬†on the…menu? But where do we draw the line? Paying a stranger 20 quid to wax your plums, in this heady age of fidget spinners, Nutri-Bullets and Brexit, isn’t the oddity it once was, and it seems that as male beauty treatments become more and more accepted, men are going to more and more extreme lengths to preen themselves to perfection.

While its probably fair to say that the vast majority of us would draw the line, with a big fat permanent marker, right underneath a back, crack and sack (although even that is pushing it, as far as this writer is concerned), there is a contingent of ultra-spornosexual blokes out there willing to go to some pretty severe lengths in the name of beauty. These are a few of the wildest.

 

Guyliner

Credit: Rex Features

What did I say about those puns? Brace yourself because there are plenty more in the way.

You’ve probably already heard about girls having their eyebrows tattooed on, but now men are joining the party too. Beauty salons all over the world now offer semi-permanent eyebrow and eyelash micro pigmentation, which supposedly makes the eyes stand out more and is relatively pain-free – although it definitely doesn’t sound it.

 

Tanning injections

Credit: Friends/NBC

If you were ever concerned that sunbeds might not be bad enough for your health, maybe you should try tanning injections instead. Melanotan is an unlicensed tanning supplement which is illegal to sell but not to use and increasing amounts of men are turning to it as an alternative to conventional methods of bronzing. Because of the whole illegal thing many guys are getting their supply from under the counter at gyms or over the internet. Male grooming is all well and good, but its safe to say that sticking needles in yourself is probably a sensible place to draw the line.

 

Vitamin IV drips

Credit: Rex Features

If you thought injecting yourself with mystery fluid you bought from some carpet-carrying bloke in the gym with a tribal tattoo on his face was bad enough, wait till you hear about the latest fad. People are now paying 200 quid a pop to be hooked up to a drip that pumps vitamins directly into their bloodstream. It might sound a tad extreme, and that’s because it is. However, the hefty price tag means that this surefire hangover cure is solely the reserve of celebs and CEOs, so us normal folk will just have to keep taking our tablets for the time being.

 

Scrotal lift

Credit: Rex Features

Generally speaking, knife and ball sack are two things that should never cross paths unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. While the very thought of them going anywhere near each other is enough to make most of us grimace and cross our legs, some guys are literally queuing up for it. This baffling new procedure is called a scrotal lift and it’s designed to stop older gentlemen from getting bruised knees, so to speak. The op is done under a local anaesthetic and of the few plastic surgeons that perform it in the UK, most of them say patients can be back up and running sexually in as little as a week.

 

Brotox

Credit: Rex Features

It’s not just women that are concerned about their saggy wrinkled old faces; at least not according to beauticians, who say they’ve seen an astronomical rise in the number of men coming into their clinics for Botox injections. Botox works by sending signals to the brain that cause the facial muscles to relax, which softens the appearance of lines and crows feet. It is also what’s responsible for people not being able to display any emotion on their face. So, the choice is yours – a slightly weathered face that actually works, or a creepy smooth one that doesn’t. Decisions, decisions.

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