Pork Crackling Advent
Ever been chomping on some pork scratchings in the pub and thought ‘hey, these would taste a lot better in bed as crumbs fall erotically into my chest hair’? Well now you can, because pork crackling connoisseurs The Snaffling Pig Co have released an actual calendar full of the best bar snack in the world (if you think olives are, then just get out). Each day a new door opens up to a bitesize bag of delightful pig fat, some classic and some exotic, such as the hot to trot habanero flavour.
Out there somewhere Johnny Vegas is weeping with pure joy. The tears are 76% saturated fat.
From John Lewis, Debenhams and The Snaffling Pig Co
Beard Oil Advent
How much beard oil is too much beard oil? If you think 24 bottles is then look away now, because this grooming advent calendar is full of different scented facial hair lubricant such as Bay Rum and Sandalwood. Don’t know why you put oil in your beard? Well it’s not just to make you smell like a Greek god going out on the pull in Shoreditch, it actually moisturises your bristly hair and hydrates the skin beneath, which can become irritated and itchy in the winter months. So there, you learn something new everyday.
From Not On The Hight Street
The Big Chilli Advent
Bored of shoving dry, bland turkey down your gob during the month of December? Then add some spice to EVERYTHING you have with this chilli advent, which gives you 24 different varieties of the spice in different varieties from flakes to powders, and mild to sitting-on-the-toilet-praying-to-the-heavens hot.
You’ll have so much you won’t know what to do with it. Cereal? Spice. Broken light bulb? Chuck some spice at it. Younger sibling grazed their knee? Throw some spice on it.
From Sous Chef
The Protein Advent Calendar
If you’re the kind of guy who would body shame Santa or slap a mince pie out of your nan’s hand because she’s buggering up her macros, the protein advent calendar is for you. Sadly not just 25 tiny pieces of raw chicken breast, it contains protein chocolate instead.
From Holland & Barrett
The Whiskey Advent Calendar
The only people who buy miniatures are alcoholics and hotels, so give this a miss. Also, the only people who actually buy whiskey, which tastes objectively terrible, do it because they’re Mad Men cosplayers who want to look fancy, an effect that really doesn’t last if you have to retrieve your daily ‘fancy’ drink out of a cardboard prison that was designed for children.
From Master Of Malt
The Screwdriver Advent Calendar
From the Amazon description: ’24 doors conceal 34 tool surprises to enable simpler working even in confined working situations. One Kraftform Micro bit holder with magnetic chuck for 4 mm Micro interchangeable blades, one Kraftform bit holder with Rapidaptor quick-release chuck for standard ¼“ bits, one socket adaptor and one offset screwdriver (each from 1/4“ hex to ¼“ square); includes 8 Micro bits (30 mm long), 12 bits (50 mm long) and 8 sockets (¼“), bits and sockets with “Take it easy“ Toolfinder with colour coding and size stamp to enable simpler and faster access to the tool needed; the accompanying offset screwdriver for sockets enables a very high torque transfer thanks to its good leverage effect.’ I’m not sure what is worse: buying this for yourself or having someone think you’re such a boring boring person that they buy it for you.